Conspiracy Theory Satire

Jordan Larsen, Staff Reporter|

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Conspiracy theories are the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese of detective work, because they are cheap and easily found. Great works from communities of people are known as “The President who Was a Lizard”, “Wear Tinfoil Hats: Radiowaves Corrupt your Brain”, and “Large Scale Diseases are Created by the Government to Control Population”, all box-office successes with a viewing audience of people who have a level of rational thinking below, or possibly above that of every single other person on the planet. These individuals are seen in their natural habitats inside concrete rooms protected with three manual airlock doors keeping the horrible government-plagued air out.

These people are also anarchists, which should not be surprising. They might excitedly type “Down with the System!” On their web forums their system crashes, and they have to yell to their mothers to restart the internet router. Of course, they have their own sustainability, as they all cook their Bagel Bites on a propane stove perfectly engineered to prevent government interference with their “nutrition”.

Recently, this world-protecting group of people are now starting to believe that there is only one certain truth in this world, and that is the fact that celebrities are not actual people, but they are actually robots engineered by secret CIA officials before being placed into the view of the public to make sure that citizens of the world have no sense of ambition.

Celebrities are like the shapeshifting lizard President, but better, because at least as a regular citizen under education you have a chance at becoming the President of the United States, hopefully one not under reptilian descent such as George W. Bush, or Barack Obama. Celebrities must be placed at a higher priority than horrible lab-abominations that spread disease, because millions of people look up to them, and none of those millions of people can ever be as good as them.

Some of them try and fail, because they do not have the mechanical perfection that the people they look up to do. Vocal abilities of these mechanized plots to destroy individualism are unparalleled, and many people, especially those currently in high school, would be lucky to look 25% as good as they are in music videos. Of course their skin is made completely of green screen and nanomachines, as applying logic and current technology to things is out of the question when there are hundreds of isolated lab groups miles underground physically making the world turn.

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Conspiracy Theory Satire